Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
