my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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