when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
