hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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