Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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