Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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