I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
