Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
