I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
