Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
