I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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