new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
