I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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