Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
