I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
