party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
