he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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