Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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