my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
