fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
