Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
