I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm too high and old for this...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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