saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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