I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
