how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
