Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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