My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
