it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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