I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
