if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
