i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
