Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
