my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
