K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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