I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Semen is not good for contacts.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
