When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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