He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
