why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
