that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
