hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
As shirtless as possible
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
