Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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