theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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