i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
