I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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