I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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