Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
