My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I look better un-naked...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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