I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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