I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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