life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
