Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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