I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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