When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
