MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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