did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
