I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
